I HATE THE WHOLE WORLD !

WHY MUST I BE THE ONE SUFFER? IT’S UNFAIR. WHY GIVE ME AT THE FIRST PLACE AND TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?!

I AM SAD N DEPRESSED. I AM DYING. I WANT TO DIE !!!

My Book is Officially Lost

My first order from overseas is officially lost. I bought a book from book depository last month 16 Dec 2011 and until now i have not received it yet.

I am not sure what has happened because usually whatever i bought from overseas usually arrived within 16-18 days at most. But this one is already 20 days yet I have not received it yet. Postman came today but no letter for me. I was so disappointed. I have been waiting anxiously for this parenting book for days. What a disappointment.

Now, i am so afraid to buy things from overseas. I am afraid it will be lost again. I hate to file a dispute. It only makes overseas sellers don’t want to send to Malaysia anymore.

Hopefully, Book Depository person-in-charge will reply to my mail soon. I thought of buying few more books from them but now i dare not anymore because i am afraid it will be lost again.

I really pray that the book will miraculously appear at my doorstep soon.

By the way, i bought something again from overseas website and it’s using Royal Airmail again. Please Please Please let it reach my house safe and sound.

Should I Continue ?

I am not sure whether should i continue with my online business? I am so financially tight now. How i wish someone could loan me 10K so that i can continue with my business. I love to have my own business. I want to stay at home to take care of my little girl but it seems so difficult now. I do not have enough cash to take some new products in for sale.

Should i just give up now. Definitely i would be very sad but i am sure i will get over it very soon.

I'm sorry

I am sorry for being a bad master. I am sorry for not taking good care of you.

Please forgive me....

I am OLD !!

I must admit that i look so much older recently. It must be due to all the worries and sadness that i have to face all these while. I look much older than my actual age now. I can see it on my face. Even i myself also feel shock. I really don't know how to beautify myself.

Many people thought that i have kids already. Haha... imagine how old i look like now. Sigh.....

But what can i do? I will just accept it then....

I Though I Will.....

be sad. But i am not. I don't feel unhappy or sad or angry anymore. I am not sure why. Maybe I am not close to this friend of mine gua... Maybe a teeny weeny bit of envy. He has gone into another phase of life yet i am still staying put here...

I cried the whole night yesterday. Stupid isn't it? I was so sad. I was totally devastated and depressed. I feel life is so hopeless. I feel nothing works for me. I know my own health condition. With my health condition, i don't know what is ahead of me. I don't know what my future will be. But what he said is right. Life still has to go on. No matter how sad you are, time is still ticking away. It won't stop because of you. Not that i am not moving ahead but maybe much slower than others. Or maybe i have already reached the ending point but i refuse to stop yet. Therefore, i feel that people are moving ahead yet i am still standing aimless here.

No matter what is it, i still need to brace up. Because no one is pitying you. You have to stand up yourself. Other people can only look at you but they can never help you. You have to help yourself. You yourself have to fight till the end.

Life is Full of Dissappointment

It has been some time since i wrote something here. I feel so down again. I feel so depressed again. I don't know who to turn to and who to talk to. I have no one to talk to me. No one understands how i feel now. Not a single consolation works for me. I just feel lost and hopeless. I don't know how to get on with my life now.

Everything doesn't work out like what i want. I am being pushed around until i am totally fed up !. I feel like an idiot now. I have followed all the instructions but nothing seems to work for me. Wait wait wait. This is what he told me. How long do i have to wait. Everything that he said have given me big impact. It's like a knife piercing into your heart. I start to hate him now. He is the biggest jerk in my life !.If only i could give him a tight slap ! He will never understand the pain and grieve i have to go through all these while. he will never understand unless he is in my shoes.

The Saddest Day In My Life

Update: Both peanuts passed away yesterday. Both were cannibalized by their mother. I am totally devastated. Though i am sad and angry but i still love their mother very much.

Today marks the saddest day in my life. One of my peanuts has passed away. It was eaten by its mother. I was totally shock. I was totally devastated and sad. I never know she would eat her own baby. Her own baby !. There were suppose to be a pair of peanuts. I was very excited when she gave birth to two of them. I was everyday looking forward to seeing them growing. But i didn't know that the peanut's lifespan is so short. It has only lived for four days and it was gone. I am not able to see it anymore.

I hope the only survivor will be able to survive till the end. I really hope i am able to see it grows bigger each day. I really hope i am able to carry it one day in my hand.

He is a Great Dissappointment

I think whoever reads this post will try to figure out who is this 'he'. Of course, this 'he' is not my beloved riceball. Because riceball has never made me disappointed at this moment.

All these while, i always thought that he is a wonderful person. I always thought that he is my only hope in my life. A person who can change my life one day. A person who can fulfill my wish and dream. But i was wrong. I only realized it when i met him last week. He is not a person who i can look for help anymore.

Before that, i admired him a lot. I felt that he is a very approachable person and ever wiling to help you. But he is not this kind of person. He is no different from any other people. I don't know where has his compassion gone to. When he said this statement twice, "It's unfair for you and also unfair for me', I was totally hurt. The feeling of betrayal is there. I was stabbed in my heart. I totally understand that everyone is selfish. What's more both of us are not related at all. Not even close.

But he is my only hope. He is the only person i can trust at this point of my life. I need his advice. I need his help. I need his support. So now, i feel totally lost and hopeless.

He has truly hurt me. I am not sure whether i will be able to face him anymore. Because after the conversation with him, i just walked away without a word of thank nor a smile from me.

He might just brush it off, but the words that he said, has truly scarred me. Until now, i still brood over it. I still think about it. I have tried to brush it off but it still etch in my mind. In my memory.

If he can't help me, i really truly and sincerely hope that God can help me.

I'm not sleeping well

I am not sleeping well recently. In fact, i didn't sleep well at all. There are so many things in my mind now. I am sitting in the office again without anything else to do. I feel so lost and hopeless.

Every night, i will toss and turn to make myself fall asleep. I dream every night. I didn't have a good night sleep. My eyes' bags are getting bigger each day. My eyes are always tired looking and lack of energy.

Now, i feel like sleeping again. I don't feel like that when i am at home. Maybe i move around and exercise when i am alone at home. I cook and i take care of my furbabies therefore time passes faster than sitting in the office staring at the monitor.

So many things have happened to me. No one seems to care except for my beloved riceball. He is always that supportive and being with me when i am at my lowest point. He is always there to cheer me up. He is the greatest man i ever had in my life.

I wanted to hand in my resignation letter today but my boss is not around today. No, i did not find a new job. I am not rich to stay at home too... It's because i am sick... very sick... I am too sick to even work now. I can't think properly. I have no mood to work. I am lost now... I think my year 2009 ended badly and my year 2010 doesn't start well too...

When you think..........

he is your only hope, he indirectly turned you down. How would you feel?

I feel terribly dissappointed and down now. I feel as though a big stone is thrown at me. I need help but no one is there for me. I feel so helpless and lost. What i need most is support and care but what i get is just coldness and sadness.

He has totally let me down. A totally let down....

BIG RED ACNE ON MY NOSE !

I am not going to go out until the acne dissappears from my nose !. Too bad, i still need to go to work... *sob sob...

I'm Feeling Down.

I am feeling really down now. Don't ask me why. I'm in terrible mood. Not even a mood to type. I feel like a clump of shit now. :(

Jealous Or Envy

Do you know how to differentiate the difference between Jealousy and envy? I do and i really do. Whenever i am envy of someone, I still feeling happy for them but when i feel jealous of someone, the feeling of anger and hatred is there. You hope that the person would fail one day. Have a bad fall or whatever. I will start to make comparison. Why she/he able to achieve it yet i couldn't. I know it's bad feeling this way but who isn't? Be frank. I know everyone has that kind of feeling before.

I know i shouldn't feel jealous of one's happiness or achievement. It's totally wrong but i just couldn't control my feeling. I feel down and sad the whole time and try to find all kind of bad points or weaknesses of that person but deep down in my heart, i know this person has no flaws at all. Some people are born to be lucky. Just like some people are born with silver spoon.

The feeling of jealousy is there, i will try to avoid that person totally. No contact whatsoever because i don't want to make myself feel even worse. What's wrong want me to congratulate that person. You may as well kill me.

I have this kind of feeling recently. I know i shouldn't but i can't control myself. I start to hate myself to the extend i don't know how to laugh anymore. The bitter feeling is always there. I try to drown myself by watching tv whole day long to wipe away the feeling of jealousy. But after switching off the tv set, my mind starts to work on its own again. I just can't stop myself.

I hate it. I really hate it. Not even riceball can console me nor make me happy.

Sad & Miserable

I feel sad and miserable today. Everyone has their own happiness why it's so hard for me to find my own happiness? I have tried to remain calm and try to forget but i just couldn't let go. It's hard to let go. It's hard to act as though nothing has ever happened. It's hard to put a smile in front but it's terribly hurt inside.

I have tried many ways to make myself happy but i just couldn't smile at all. I become bad-tempered. Unhappy. Hard to get along with. I don't want to talk nor face anyone at all. I just want to be alone. All alone without any accompaniment.

What am i doing ?

I have been asking myself this question many times. What am i doing in the office? i have been sitting in the office with nothing much to do since last week. i feel like a dummy here. I know i should be happy that i have no pressure at all sitting in the office without anything to do yet i still get my salary. This is sucks ! I hate this kind of life. I want to do something whether it's paperwork or just some simple coding. I hate doing research in the office. I have been doing research in the office since last two weeks.

All these while, i just sit in the office to surf the net. It makes me look so stupid. It makes me unmotivated to work at all. My skills start to deteriorate. I want to do something instead of passing my time by surfing the net aimlessly.

I start to hate my life. Boring and mundane. No achievement. Nothing !. this is what i fear most. What have i been doing all these while? Worthless at work. Useless at home !

Business Not Doing Well

My business isn't doing well. Maybe i am still new to online store. It seems like nobody wants to buy from me. I don't understand why my business is that bad. Is it i can't give the buyers a sense of security?

I have tried to promote my site at different channel but i just can't get any attention from them. Ai... maybe i am not suited to do a business. Not only that, i have been asking myself, what the point for me to start an online business? Do i really want to earn big or i just want to pass my time?

Maybe i have too much free time to spare that i do not know how to use my time wisely.... I have been thinking for few nights. Maybe i still do not know what to do..Just give it a try for few more weeks. If still do not have any buyers, i will just let it go...

No point forcing myself.

Forgotten my HP

I have forgotten to bring my hp to work today. So angry. So inconvenient. I can't make any calls without my hp. I can't use my office's phone because i am only allow to make internal calls and the problem is no one can call to my office's phone too. Stupid idea !.

Now if i need to make any call, i have to go to public phone to make a call. Damn it !. What's more, i can't even call riceball. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of hp-less... ( sob sob ). I hope time passes faster today so that i can go home.

I am bad

I am so sad now. I have lied. I know i shouldn't but i have no choice.

I feel so bad now. How ??