He is a Great Dissappointment

I think whoever reads this post will try to figure out who is this 'he'. Of course, this 'he' is not my beloved riceball. Because riceball has never made me disappointed at this moment.

All these while, i always thought that he is a wonderful person. I always thought that he is my only hope in my life. A person who can change my life one day. A person who can fulfill my wish and dream. But i was wrong. I only realized it when i met him last week. He is not a person who i can look for help anymore.

Before that, i admired him a lot. I felt that he is a very approachable person and ever wiling to help you. But he is not this kind of person. He is no different from any other people. I don't know where has his compassion gone to. When he said this statement twice, "It's unfair for you and also unfair for me', I was totally hurt. The feeling of betrayal is there. I was stabbed in my heart. I totally understand that everyone is selfish. What's more both of us are not related at all. Not even close.

But he is my only hope. He is the only person i can trust at this point of my life. I need his advice. I need his help. I need his support. So now, i feel totally lost and hopeless.

He has truly hurt me. I am not sure whether i will be able to face him anymore. Because after the conversation with him, i just walked away without a word of thank nor a smile from me.

He might just brush it off, but the words that he said, has truly scarred me. Until now, i still brood over it. I still think about it. I have tried to brush it off but it still etch in my mind. In my memory.

If he can't help me, i really truly and sincerely hope that God can help me.

It's Nearing

4 more days to go and my d-day is here. I am scared. Real scared that. I have been thinking what type of questions they will ask which has made me can't have a proper sleep.

I just want it to over as soon as possible. It's a torture. A real torture. I would say it's mental torture. My mind keep repeating the same scenario. What type of question the examiners might ask. What if the examiners laugh at my work. what if the examiners do not understand what i am trying to present. what if and so many what ifs. I am getting dizzy with all the what ifs questions. This is terrible.

Today is friday. Instead of resting and enjoying my day. I am going to sit in front of the laptop and read papers and re read the codes which have been written and prepare for the presentation. I have not even try to have a mock presentation for my work. This is terrible. Horrible !. I Think i better start tonight. Else, it will be too late.

I hope my prayer will be answered. I hope i can pass. I don't need flying colors. I just need a pass.

Time passes so slow

Time seems to be passing very slow. I have been waiting for next week for days. Ever since the confirmation of my ViVA, i have been feeling very uneasy. I can't sleep properly nor eat properly. I told myself not to be too anxious. It will be ended very soon but I just can't control it. I have read through my thesis and i feel that it is not good at all. I am very afraid that i will fail.

I have found a lot of weaknesses in my thesis. I am not sure will it affect my results. I am not sure whether the examiners understand what i am trying to present in my thesis.

During my candidature, I have not published any papers which related to my topic. Not only that, I have not even given a presentation on my work at all. I have only discussed with my supervisor and also one or two researchers. I feel so inadueqate now. I feel that i have not done my best.

Many things happened during my candidature. I felt so lost at the moment. I just wanted to quickly finish my studies because i also have other missions to achieve. Too bad, after submitting my work, i have not accomplished any mission at all.

Hopefully, my work will not receive too much critics from the examiners. I hope they will try to help me instead of fail me. Being alone in a room with so many eyes set on me makes me chill..

Mission Failed !

I have failed my mission today. Do i feel sad? No. just a bit of dissappointment. But i will try my best again next month. Hopefully nothing will hinder with my mission next month.

I just hope that i pass my VIVA this time round.

VIVA is coming to Town !

Oh Gosh! My VIVA is coming soon. Very soon. In 2 weeks' time i will be in the VIVA room being questioned by so many judges ! This is the most terrrible feeling i have ever felt.

At first, i am looking forward to VIVA because I can graduate at last. But what if i failed my VIVA? What should i do? I am so worry now. I am definitely sure i will be blabbering around and worse still, what if the panel examiners ask me questions and i do not know how to answer. What should i do? This is unbearable. I think by the time i finish the VIVA i will be totally exhausted.

Hopefully i can at least get a grade 2. At least i passed. I am just afraid that i might get grade 3 or even worse grade 4. I feel so cold now. I feel terrible now. I am fainting soon......