I HATE THE WHOLE WORLD !

WHY MUST I BE THE ONE SUFFER? IT’S UNFAIR. WHY GIVE ME AT THE FIRST PLACE AND TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?!

I AM SAD N DEPRESSED. I AM DYING. I WANT TO DIE !!!

I'm sorry

I am sorry for being a bad master. I am sorry for not taking good care of you.

Please forgive me....

I am Paranoid !

I am being very paranoid recently. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so negative recently until i can't have a good nite sleep. I need some help!..

Either i am getting too bored staying at home alone or I have wild imagination. I really don't know. I feel so lost right now and paranoid over slightest things.

I can only keep praying hoping that i will return to my normal self soon.

I Though I Will.....

be sad. But i am not. I don't feel unhappy or sad or angry anymore. I am not sure why. Maybe I am not close to this friend of mine gua... Maybe a teeny weeny bit of envy. He has gone into another phase of life yet i am still staying put here...

I cried the whole night yesterday. Stupid isn't it? I was so sad. I was totally devastated and depressed. I feel life is so hopeless. I feel nothing works for me. I know my own health condition. With my health condition, i don't know what is ahead of me. I don't know what my future will be. But what he said is right. Life still has to go on. No matter how sad you are, time is still ticking away. It won't stop because of you. Not that i am not moving ahead but maybe much slower than others. Or maybe i have already reached the ending point but i refuse to stop yet. Therefore, i feel that people are moving ahead yet i am still standing aimless here.

No matter what is it, i still need to brace up. Because no one is pitying you. You have to stand up yourself. Other people can only look at you but they can never help you. You have to help yourself. You yourself have to fight till the end.

Life is Full of Dissappointment

It has been some time since i wrote something here. I feel so down again. I feel so depressed again. I don't know who to turn to and who to talk to. I have no one to talk to me. No one understands how i feel now. Not a single consolation works for me. I just feel lost and hopeless. I don't know how to get on with my life now.

Everything doesn't work out like what i want. I am being pushed around until i am totally fed up !. I feel like an idiot now. I have followed all the instructions but nothing seems to work for me. Wait wait wait. This is what he told me. How long do i have to wait. Everything that he said have given me big impact. It's like a knife piercing into your heart. I start to hate him now. He is the biggest jerk in my life !.If only i could give him a tight slap ! He will never understand the pain and grieve i have to go through all these while. he will never understand unless he is in my shoes.

He is a Great Dissappointment

I think whoever reads this post will try to figure out who is this 'he'. Of course, this 'he' is not my beloved riceball. Because riceball has never made me disappointed at this moment.

All these while, i always thought that he is a wonderful person. I always thought that he is my only hope in my life. A person who can change my life one day. A person who can fulfill my wish and dream. But i was wrong. I only realized it when i met him last week. He is not a person who i can look for help anymore.

Before that, i admired him a lot. I felt that he is a very approachable person and ever wiling to help you. But he is not this kind of person. He is no different from any other people. I don't know where has his compassion gone to. When he said this statement twice, "It's unfair for you and also unfair for me', I was totally hurt. The feeling of betrayal is there. I was stabbed in my heart. I totally understand that everyone is selfish. What's more both of us are not related at all. Not even close.

But he is my only hope. He is the only person i can trust at this point of my life. I need his advice. I need his help. I need his support. So now, i feel totally lost and hopeless.

He has truly hurt me. I am not sure whether i will be able to face him anymore. Because after the conversation with him, i just walked away without a word of thank nor a smile from me.

He might just brush it off, but the words that he said, has truly scarred me. Until now, i still brood over it. I still think about it. I have tried to brush it off but it still etch in my mind. In my memory.

If he can't help me, i really truly and sincerely hope that God can help me.

Ever since....

Ever since the recent failure, i am very more depress than ever. It seems like no matter what i do, i can't seem to concentrate. It affects my work badly. Very badly in fact. I am thinking should i resign or wait for my boss to fire me. No one knows how i feel. No one knows how much i have to endure the pain of failure. I know that the percentage of success is very slim but i still want to ''gamble". In the end, i lost. I am suppose to go in for the result next Tuesday, but now, i don't even need to go there anymore. Because i have failed the 'test'.

The hurt and pain that i go through now is terrible. I am in total lost. I start to get jealous. I start to hate. I start to make comparison. I feel guilty when i laugh or smile. Because i am a already a loser. I have no right to laugh nor smile like others.

I don't understand.

My mum isn't like last time anymore. Last time she never take me and compare with other people but now she will do that. Whenever i have any problem, she will just say "aiya, whoever also got the same problem and bla bla bla..." In fact, i hate it. I have told her many times that i hate it. I hate this kind of comparison. I called her because i need someone to console me and understand me. But she just like to quote someone else problem and make comparison. Why? When I was young, she wasn't like that. She would listen to me. She would console me. She was the one who told me that not to compare but now she keep making comparison.

Doesn't she know it hurts? It really hurts. I just need someone to listen to me. I just need someone to console me. Even if it's just a word of consolation. But she just can't do so. This makes me reluctant to call home. Reluctant to share my sadness and happiness with her anymore. I feel that i am getting more and more distance from her.

Now, she doesn't care so much about me anymore. I still remember, when i was very depressed and sad, she would call me several times. But now no more. No more calls. Not even a word of concern. I hate the feeling. But i have to face the fact. Everyone will change. So does my mum. She has changed too.

I have no one to turn to anymore now. I feel even lonelier and more depressed.

I always tell myself. Never make comparison. Because everyone is different. But i am wrong. Because as a human. You will definitely make comparison. It's hard to accept but i just have to accept it.

Why?!!!???

Why so many bad things happening to me now? One after another. It's really scary. I feel that it's bad omen. I am very scared now. My results is next week. I am not looking forward to it. In fact, i hope the day will not come. But i am afraid to face the results. What if................. what should i do? I am so worry now. How do i work now? How can i work now? I don't know what i should do now. I feel so worry. I feel so depressed. I am sooo in dilemma. I am feeling extremely down and sad now.

I want to know the result but at the same time i don't want to know too. I am afraid to face the reality. I am afraid to know. Because i am already waited for so long. I have already prayed hard for it. I only can hope for the best now.

I just wish God will help me. I just wish my dream will come true soon...

Scared & worry. How to work?????

Crappy & moody

I can't seem to concentrate in my work recently. I just feel restless all the time. Maybe i have lost interest in my job. I just can't concentrate in everything i do. My mind starts to wander around after 5 minutes of concentration. What is wrong with me? I keep telling myself that i need this job. I need this job to survive. But i just can't do so.

Maybe something else has been in my mind. So many things have happened to me in this month. How i wish i can put everything aside and go to somewhere which no one knows me. I want a rest. I want a real rest.

Not only that, I hate it when riceball's family sms him. I feel disturb when i see their messages. I just hate the sight of it. You can say i am bad but i just don't know why i just feel disturb when i see those messages. I feel that they are taking him away from me. Maybe you all might think that i am being selfish or being paranoid but i just can't help it. I always have this kind of feeling.

I have never been really happy recently. I have been hiding my feelings all these while. I have been feeling very crappy recently. I try to occupy myself with all kind of work but i just can't let my mind rest. The feeling is just like my brain is working 24 hours a day. Non-stop !!

I don't know how to curb this problem. I keep telling myself. "STOP IT !!!!!. Don't think anymore ! Make your brain stop working for a while. Let it rest. Else you will go bonker !!!"

Can someone tell me what should i do now. HELP !!!!

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Why all the good things do not happen to me? I feel so down now. I have worked very hard in order to achieve everything but none of it is successful. I feel terribly down.

Not only that, due to my problems, i keep taking annual leave. Sooner or later i will be terminated from my company. Soon to come. Why do i need to take so many days leave? Why ?????? I can't expect to take leave anymore. I need money. I can't lose my job.

I feel so fed up now. I feel so lost now. I don't know what else i can do... I need help !!!!!

Titleless

Time passes so fast. Now we are already in the 4th month of year 2009.

But until now i have not achieved anything. Most of the people at my age has already gone to the next phase but I am still at the same phase. Sad to say, i did not manage to achieve anything last year.

I really really really hope this year will be different for me. I really hope to go to the next phase. I am have been in the same phase for years. No changes at all. Seeing so many people able to achieve their goals and success really make me jealous.

It seems like happiness is so faraway from me. It has been a long time since i really feel happy.

This is a reason why i do not want to have any contact with anyone at this moment. I hope to bring happy news or good news to the people around me. I don't want to share anymore sadness and complaints with them anymore. I want the people around me to be happy for me and not feeling sorry or sad for me especially my family members and also my close friends.

I feel sorry for riceball too because all these while i have not brought him any happy news. I complaint to him most of the time instead of sharing good news with him. I really feel bad about it.

I really wish that i am able to achieve something in this year. I really wish to go to the next phase.

Another Sad Day

Today is another sad day of my life. I am soo sad now. Full of disappointment again. Why i do not have such luck?

I am totally saddened now. I feel time passes so slow today. I feel extremely sad now. How i wish i can go home now and cry.

I am totally devastated.

I Feel Depressed

I feel very depressed recently over every little things. I feel very unhappy and sad all the time now.

In the office, i try to hide my feelings. I do not want to let others see how sad i feel or how sad i look. Not only that, i don't feel like working at all. I feel working hours are too long. I feel very uneasy sitting in the office. I feel so alone....

After working hours, i just feel like staying at home. I rather stare at the television. I rather sit in the living room alone and quietly without anyone disturbing me.

I don't feel like getting near to anyone. Not even my closest kin. In fact, i hate my surroundings. I hate everything and everyone around me now. I just feel very uneasy with anyone now. I just want to be left alone.

This is really not like me. I just feel depressed. I feel so pessimistics. I feel that i don't do anything right. I'm just like being trapped somewhere.