Long Time No Blog

It has been a long time since i blog. Well, too many thing have happened and i don't even have enough time to digest them myself. I think i need to digest them one by one. my year 2010 did not start well, in fact, it's a bad start for me. Too many bad news comes to me at one go between end of year 2009 and begining of year 2010. But i have already accepted the facts and i can't seem to change anything at this moment. Just take a step at a time...

I think i will stop blogging for time being until everything is stable.

Till then.. Bye everyone !

He is a Great Dissappointment

I think whoever reads this post will try to figure out who is this 'he'. Of course, this 'he' is not my beloved riceball. Because riceball has never made me disappointed at this moment.

All these while, i always thought that he is a wonderful person. I always thought that he is my only hope in my life. A person who can change my life one day. A person who can fulfill my wish and dream. But i was wrong. I only realized it when i met him last week. He is not a person who i can look for help anymore.

Before that, i admired him a lot. I felt that he is a very approachable person and ever wiling to help you. But he is not this kind of person. He is no different from any other people. I don't know where has his compassion gone to. When he said this statement twice, "It's unfair for you and also unfair for me', I was totally hurt. The feeling of betrayal is there. I was stabbed in my heart. I totally understand that everyone is selfish. What's more both of us are not related at all. Not even close.

But he is my only hope. He is the only person i can trust at this point of my life. I need his advice. I need his help. I need his support. So now, i feel totally lost and hopeless.

He has truly hurt me. I am not sure whether i will be able to face him anymore. Because after the conversation with him, i just walked away without a word of thank nor a smile from me.

He might just brush it off, but the words that he said, has truly scarred me. Until now, i still brood over it. I still think about it. I have tried to brush it off but it still etch in my mind. In my memory.

If he can't help me, i really truly and sincerely hope that God can help me.

I'm not sleeping well

I am not sleeping well recently. In fact, i didn't sleep well at all. There are so many things in my mind now. I am sitting in the office again without anything else to do. I feel so lost and hopeless.

Every night, i will toss and turn to make myself fall asleep. I dream every night. I didn't have a good night sleep. My eyes' bags are getting bigger each day. My eyes are always tired looking and lack of energy.

Now, i feel like sleeping again. I don't feel like that when i am at home. Maybe i move around and exercise when i am alone at home. I cook and i take care of my furbabies therefore time passes faster than sitting in the office staring at the monitor.

So many things have happened to me. No one seems to care except for my beloved riceball. He is always that supportive and being with me when i am at my lowest point. He is always there to cheer me up. He is the greatest man i ever had in my life.

I wanted to hand in my resignation letter today but my boss is not around today. No, i did not find a new job. I am not rich to stay at home too... It's because i am sick... very sick... I am too sick to even work now. I can't think properly. I have no mood to work. I am lost now... I think my year 2009 ended badly and my year 2010 doesn't start well too...

When you think..........

he is your only hope, he indirectly turned you down. How would you feel?

I feel terribly dissappointed and down now. I feel as though a big stone is thrown at me. I need help but no one is there for me. I feel so helpless and lost. What i need most is support and care but what i get is just coldness and sadness.

He has totally let me down. A totally let down....